While in a meeting the other day I heard what I've come to believe is one of the dumbest catch phrases used in the workplace. "As usual, our deadline is yesterday for this, so we need to get started ASAP!" (Naturally, it was followed with a chuckle meant to convey conspiratorial sympathy with the newly deadline-afflicted.)

Listen up, people. This joke is more hackneyed than "take my wife, please!" Unless you have a flux capacitor in your basement and have successfully interrupted the space-time continuum, your deadline MUST be in the future. And, if you want any kind of credibility with your peers you will suggest a deadline that is more than two days in the future.

If you keep using this weary tactic, your coworkers will assume you:

  • Don't have a clue or care how long it takes to produce quality results
  • Don't have an ounce of respect for others' time
  • Don't have backbone enough to stand up to the last higher-up who probably uttered the same phrase to you
  • Don't actually know how to read a calendar

Perhaps you weren't aware until now that your weak attempt at humor would strike such a dissonant chord. We'll spot you a few until you rid yourself of this habit. In the meantime, you may find it helpful to use one or more of these suggested phrases.

  • Before you roll your eyes (like I did when I heard about this), please know I told them we'd need to reshuffle other priorities to accommodate this request.
  • You're all smart people and by now you know this project came down from on high as the darling of one of our esteemed leaders.
  • I know you're all heroes every day for what you do, so I won't remind you that we have a chance to achieve "super hero" status if we figure out how to get this done quickly. [Use caution with this one because it'll wear out quickly if overused.]

One last thing-if you have perfected time travel, can you please inform the 13-year-old me that wearing pink satin and a glam-rock hairdo on class picture day will set me up for major ridicule at high school reunions? Many thanks.

Franny Fried